Bruce Arians Drank Paint as a Child and Science Proves that’s Okay

Bleacher Report –  Kids will believe and do anything if they think they’re gaining a competitive advantage. On more than one occasion as a young child, Arizona Cardinals head coach Bruce Arians drank paint before playing neighborhood football games.

Asked to elaborate during a SportsCenter appearance on Wednesday, Arians explained that he was “two or three” years old and “allergic to milk.” His father had told his older brother that drinking milk would help him grow “big and strong,” but since the younger Arians couldn’t consume milk, he thought paint was a good substitute.

The second time around, he thought the green paint was ice cream.

YAWN. Is this supposed to be shocking? I get it, we’re in the doldrums of summer in terms of sports here, but how is this news? Athletes have been doing alternative health remedies to get into peak performance shape since the beginning of time. Wrestlers take laxatives to cut weight, baseball players inject hormones into their butts to hit dingers, and Coach Arians drank paint to grow big and strong because he couldn’t have milk.

Allow me to lay a little science on you. The active ingredient in milk is Calcium. That’s what makes you grow strong bones so you can obviously hit people harder on the football field. Bruce Arians grew up in the 50’s, when paint’s active ingredient was still Lead. Lead is atomically heavier than Calcium, both of which are metals, so I hope I don’t need to spell it out for you, paint is better than milk. It doesn’t take a C- in college freshman chemistry to understand this, even though I did, in fact, accomplish that feat.

If there are any overprotective moms reading this (there are many), please don’t think that using science to train smartly was something that only coach Arians did. When I was 7 or 8 years old, my football coach would tell us on Friday nights not to go out and get laid, which was good advice. You don’t want your testosterone levels dipping before a big game. He would also bring us Surge soda on gameday to fire us up. Guess what? That year I rushed for 20 touchdowns and led the Richmond Hill Pee Wee Wildcats to an undefeated season (also we had a 12 year old on our team).

I think learning your way through life is an important thing. And if drinking paint with a toxic metal as a kid is wrong, as long as you end up a successful, career NFL coach, I don’t wanna be right.

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