Supreme Court Decides To Revisit Gambling Laws Because Gambling Laws are for the Birds

*Just as a quick warning, I did research outside of Wikipedia for this one*

Being that I am a leading legal mind (was a pre-law major in college with an underwhelming GPA), I felt a moral calling to attack the recent, interesting developments in the world of sports betting. So in beginning my research, I thought I needed to get to the heart of what makes sports wagering illegal in the US of A. Well, turns out I would have to read a shitload of legal documents to fully understand the history. There are countless acts going back to the days of Mafia-owned Las Vegas and its understandable as to why some regulations had to come into play.

The act we all live under today is called the Professional and Amateur Sports Protection Act or PAPSA. The national act was signed into effect in 1992 and of course, there are certain exceptions for horseracing, greyhound racing, Nevada, and weird shit that never took off such as 3 game parlays in the Delaware lottery. I know, I know, “All Star, how does this affect me?” Well, we need to understand what the act’s purpose was in order to poke holes in it. PAPSA had three purposes. First it was to stop the spread of state-run sports gambling; second, to maintain sport’s integrity; third, to reduce the promotion of sports gambling among America’s youth.

If those three things don’t get you pacing around the room, I don’t know what will. It’s been 25 years since the act was enacted and let’s see how it’s going.

In stopping state-run sports gambling, what the federal government really meant was “give us your fucking lunch money.” The government doesn’t care about any wagering that’s sanctioned by the state. If they did, there would be no lottery, no bingo halls, no raffles, nothing. Like I said, I did about 7 minutes of research, so I don’t know exactly who was in bed with who in congress, but this law REEKS of someone who was trying to put another congressman in a bodybag. If states promise the government obvious tax money and all of this goes away.

The second piece, maintaining sports integrity is awesome to hear. If you aren’t rolling on the floor laughing by now, you don’t watch sports. This act spanned the juicing era of baseball, Lance Armstrong cheating his way to a billion Tour de France’s, Bounty-gate, deflate-gate, Baylor sex Scandals, and a large part of the Sandusky era. Need I go on? You’re telling me that me throwing a few shekels on the Bears/ Browns Monday Night Football game is hurting the integrity of the sport? DUDE, they fucking subpoenaed text conversations between Tom Brady and his ball boy. It’s not 1919, you can’t fix games anymore. It’s just not possible. Players are getting paid so much that it’s not worth the effort. You’re making 5 million a year and you get promised a cool 500k to bean a batter? You’ll have a 12 foot probe so far up your ass, you’ll gag on it.

Third, they claim they’re reducing the promotion of gambling among America’s youth. I’m not even gonna address this one. We’re on the verge of legalizing weed, let’s just skip this. What kind of Jim Crowe era bullshit points to the fact that a legally consenting adult trying to make the NCAA play in games a little more interesting by taking the over would be bad for kids?

So those are all the points of the act. I hope you see there are more holes in that logic than the fucking Browns’ defense.  The recent developments are that Chris Christie has tried for the last six years to legalize sports gambling in Atlantic City. For whatever reason, the NCAA, NBA, MLB, NHL, NFL, and whoever else have filed law suits because they’re scared Tony Baloney and his Mafiosos are gonna roll into AC with their zoot suits and start fixing games. Or maybe the NCAA, who is leading the charge, if terrified someone will make money on 18-22 year old kids besides them. So the Supreme Court has basically decided to review the law. They’re going to see if there is any legitimacy in the polly piss pantsing of the fascist sports organizations (I thought you were different, Adam Silver) or if the federal government is actually missing out on billions of dollars of tax revenue on this common practice that is currently semi-underground. Hopefully common sense will prevail and I will be able to soon take the Pats covering the spread for 17 weeks this NFL season.

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